Karaoke advice of the day
First things first. You want to get there early and snag a table with an excellent view of the humiliations- I mean, performances. Choose a place that serves ginormous beers on the cheap so you don’t miss having your name called by the DJ while ordering a beverage. You should occasionally have someone bring a round of shots by to lube the wind pipes your dignity.
Drink heavily and with purpose. You need to be bordering on sloppy drunk but perform justbefore going over the edge. Timing is of the essence here, people.
Now, the venue. It’s preferable if the place is extra shady; things like poor lighting and the stunted walls of an acoustically-challenged basement can only help you here, folks.
Next, you’re going to need a group of friends to share the pathetic experience with you. More is better because it increases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Less is better because it decreases the chances of anyone remembering anything. Either way, you should definitely choose them from the “Will Have to Love You Anyway” pile.
Now it’s song choice time. There are a few basic rules to this:
1. Make sure you know either 50% of the words or 100% of the beat. Make SURE. Just because you rocked City High’s “What Would You Do” in high school doesn’t mean you can do it now, friend. Trust.
2. Choose a song the whole bar will want to sing. Unless you’ve actually got serious skills, class participation is key to making everyone forget that you probably kind of blow at this. Also? Nothing downer, unless it’s hilarious, like All 4 One’s “I Swear.” No one wants to hear you wail out to T.L.C.’s ”Waterfall” or, God forbid, Oasis’ “Wonderwall.” Save that for the car. (Not applicable when driving in Southeast D.C.)
3. DO NOT choose one of the most cliché karaoke songs ever. It makes the bartender groan because you are now that person that put on “Friends in Low Places” or ”Don’t Stop Believin’” for the eleventy millionth time . I don’t care if it reminds you of college and a time when you didn’t know what IBS was. Do not be That Guy/Girl.
(…Let someone else do it. Because I guarantee they will, and then you get to sing it anyway. God, I love those songs.)
Once you take the stage, which should be earlier on the night (since you got there early for the great table, right? Trust me, you don’t want to have to follow anything awesome. You want to BE the awesome!)… anyhoo, you’re going to want to have a set of decent and/or ridiculous but wholly entertaining dance moves at your disposal. These will be helpful during musical interludes, places where you flat out forget lines or totally lose the beat, or to dodge items should they start, um… coming your way. (Remember the five D’s: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!)
There’s really only one word you need to know to give a unique and memorable karaoke performance:
COMMITMENT.
Don’t half-ass it, folks. If you suck, suck royally. If you dance, dance your heart out. If you don’t know the words, sing louder. OWN your time on that stage, for better or for worse. Own it hard.
Whether you like it or not, friend, you’re putting on a show. You might as well make it epic… for better or for worse.
